A Farewell to Yarns

All is quiet in Wardrobe Land,

Her bedroom, as its known.

She has tossed some shirts and socks aside

With disregard, such is shown.

Amidst the tangled arms of blouses worn,

And undergarments galore,

Sits the pale blue fabric of her light wash jeans,

Which she so often wore.

But now they lay askew and flat,

Upon her well-made bed.

No longer do they fit her form,

“Perhaps, someday,” she said.

But the jeans do know their saddened fate,

As they cling to memories past.

They know their time is nearly done,

 So speak to their clothing comrades fast.

“I address thee, Oh Dresses of Closet,

I pontificate to you, Stretch-Pants of the Drawer

I task you all with a new found job,

A purpose and not a chore.

Our lady has no use for me now,

As her waist exceeds in girth.

But stress her not with tight restraints,

Her mind is busy with thoughts of birth.

Be a source of easy and comfort for her,

Cause her nothing short of joy and mirth.

But to you all, as I retire from my place,

I consider myself the luckiest pants on Earth.”

Just thought I’d start off this blog with a little poem.  After all, I better get used to childish rhymes, right?

Speaking of childish- I have recently entered a new phase of my pregnancy.  I am officially losing control, of my clothing and my bladder (which is putting a damper in my hamper…and has me looking for Pampers).

I’ll start off with the brief explanation of the former.  As one might’ve guessed from my clever little poem, I have had to retire my first pair jeans because they no longer fit in the belly-area.  

Such a bummer.  

I found these jeans at the Gap one day during one of their massive sales. I liked the vintage tone of blue they bore and the nice touch of stretch in the fabric so I had some hope.  As soon as I slipped these babies on, I was thrilled.  Hugged my curves right in the right places, yet still allowed me to bend and move, and at the price point I was after?  I definitely scored.

Since we are allowed to wear jeans to my job, and they looked classier than my other jeans, they were in heavy rotation week after week.  But last week as I was getting ready, I went to pull on “ol’ reliable” and realized with frenzied horror that I wasn’t able to pull them up to my waist.  I wondered if I had just washed them in too hot of water, and that they just needed to be broken in again.  No such luck.  I was forced admit it was time to put them away.  

I have hope that maybe, after this baby business is concluded, I may be reunited with my blue jeans.  But if this constant junk-food craving doesn’t cease, I think that hope will dwindle while my waist enlarges.

Now, onto the latter.  I had heard about this problem from people in magazines, in books, on TV and even from my actual friends and family, but I never really thought it would happen to me.  At least, I figured it might not happen till much later in my pregnancy.  But alas, I am Fortune’s Fool, ready to be humiliated whenever the chance arises. 

Here’s what happened.

Lately I have been sneezing a lot, especially at work, where dust is so thick and prevalent it could file a W-2.  Normally that wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that I am also drinking tons of water and more often than not, my bladder is constantly full.  So I have a perpetually refilling bladder and the frequent urge to sneeze. 

It’s the perfect storm…for peeing one’s pants.

Now when these two issues converge, I have had amazing luck at clenching my legs to prevent any embarrassing seepage.  However last week, my luck ran out. 

I was at work finishing up a task and holding off going to the restroom for the fourth time.  I just wanted to finish what I was doing.  Unfortunately, by the time my work was done, my urge to go had gone from a gentle reminder to a threat of explosion.  

I hustled quickly down the hallway keeping my legs tightly together, resembling a giant wooden soldier.  At last I reached the bathroom and ran into a stall.  As I was just about to unbutton, my legs relaxed and suddenly a sneeze came out of nowhere, erupting out of me. 

Before I could resume clenching, it was too late. 

I tidied myself up as best I could and chuckled to myself. 

All of this is part of my new reality, and while I know pants, and panties, will come and go, I know that this experience too is fleeting.  I’ll try to keep finding the humor in all of this, because I think that’s the only way I can survive with my sanity.

I’ll just have to grin (and squeeze and clench) and bear it.

Have you ever gone through this?  Did you have to bid farewell to a veteran article of clothing?  Did you get a visit from the incontinence fairy while you were pregnant?  Let's share in the humiliation and post your comments!

Top Five Biggest Pregnancy Surprises

Leave it to me to wait until the end of my first trimester to finally begin a blog about being pregnant.  I guess since I’ve become expert at being late for things, this should come as no surprise.

But here it is, and here I am, all knocked up and nowhere to go.  Well, as of right this moment, anyway.  Actually, I have found that pregnancy is primarily about being constantly on the move and doing crap you don’t feel like. 

You have that appointment with the OBGYN, then you need to pick up your prenatal prescriptions, then you need to get your blood work done, and then you need to come back to the OBGYN.  And all the while, you are bombarded with the pressure to “take it easy.”

 And then there are the diet restrictions; you need to eat, even when the thought of food makes you want to retch.  Just make sure you don’t eat anything on this loooong list of foods, many of which are the only ones that DON’T make you want to retch.  Ugh.

People kept telling me what I could expect when I was expecting, like the nausea and cravings.  But now that I’m deep into it, I’ve noticed some things have come up that I would never have predicted. 

So for fun, I thought I’d share my personal Top Five Biggest Pregnancy Surprises:

1.) The *yawn* Fatigue-

Many of my friends warned me that I would be tired, but I had no idea just HOW tired.  I could be standing in front of my refrigerator, contemplating on what to eat for dinner, when all of a sudden my legs begin to wobble and my head nods back, willing me towards a soft surface.  Or Joe is trying to tell me something and I simply sag into the couch and pass out.  My only reprieve is on the weekends where I can wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, and wander back into bed for Slumber Part 2.  It’s no wonder the days seem to slip away from me- I’m unconscious for most of them.

2.) The (seriously) Unexpected Cravings-

No, no pickles and ice cream for me, although I did have a strong hankering for French fries on pizza a few weeks ago.  Then it was all about the fried chicken.  After that it was onto the meatball sub.  Most folks who had cravings seemed to stick to one thing, but my cravings are more like a bunch of rubber balls hitting random walls.  And if that’s not weird enough, I was getting cravings for things I don’t even like, like Spaghetti-Os or onion rings.  I didn’t indulge in these, though we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

3.) The (seriously) Unexpected Aversions-

To be totally honest, when I first realized I was pregnant, I was a little bummed because I knew that my occasional beer and wine would be put on hold for almost a year.  With Joe’s and my birthday around the corner, along with all the summer festivities, I thought it was going to be agonizing surrounding myself with party revelers while I was forced to sip an iced tea.  But much to my surprise, I am finding that I don’t miss the booze.  In fact, the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.  I’m sure once I have the baby and some time has passed, I’ll be ready for that cocktail.  But for the time being, it’s a relief to know that I don’t want one of the things I can’t have anyway.

4.)  The Burping-

Holy Rolaids, Batman.  I have never burped so much in my life.  It’s awful and embarrassing, but it’s become so frequent that I have stopped bothering to stifle them as much.  So if you’re around me often enough, please excuse me and the chemistry experiment that is going on in my body.

5.)  The Calm-

Perhaps the biggest surprise so far is how calm I feel at times. Not all the time, mind you, but I am seriously shocked at how peaceful I feel from time to time.  It’s as if my anxiety-ridden mind has been given mood-altering medications, allowing me to feel some level of relaxation as I try to comprehend the hugeness of this change.  I still get plenty freaked-out, especially when I consider all the safety precautions and expenses waiting for us at the end of this roller coaster.  But at least for a little while I can simply breathe and enjoy the journey.

Ok you mamas out there!  Let's make this a conversation.  Let's hear about your biggest pregnancy surprises and don't forget- sharing is caring :)